It wasn’t until Denise said the word war-drobe that I became aware that yes, for as long as I could remember I had always been at war with myself and my clothes. Never satisfied with what I had worn or with how I looked in whatever I chose to wear, and I had certainly never ever dressed just for me.
In my slimmer days my getting dressed was always to seek approval or acceptance to be seen and noticed, especially by the opposite sex. I dressed to show off my assets which in turn buried my pain and sadness. Then later on when I was very obese I dressed in baggy, unfeminine bright size 26 plus garments and wore an even bigger smile on my face and a bubbly personality all to hide the deepening pain and sadness. But truthfully neither worked as underneath it all I was drowning in my own sea of buried emotions.
My huge unfoldment all began with Denise asking me to take a couple of photos of my bedroom and walk-in robe.
Mmmmmm, the taking of the photos was, I will admit somewhat challenging but Oh My! That was nothing compared with my having to actually STOP, LOOK & FEEL the photos.
So based on that I was able to face the fear in letting go of what I was so afraid of last time with what came up. I was shocked to discover that there wasn’t anything behind the fear, I mean I had been caught up in an illusion set up, if you will, to constantly fail by self-sabotage. I had been continuing an ingrained behaviour that originated way back in a bid to bury my pain, hurt & emotions. You see previously I used excessive fitness, alcohol & cigarettes to bury it all but then I stopped all those and promptly turned to potato chips, chocolate & coca cola ending up at a weight of 165kgs whilst becoming messier, messier & messier.
I have since dealt with the emotional issues I had buried and am now re-learning a more loving way to live. The way I eat has changed as instead of eating emotionally, I now feel what to eat … well this I am still learning to navigate but I have let go of a lot of weight so far. I walk regularly, enjoy a good night’s sleep and I no longer abuse my body physically. But even with doing all that lovingly, I had still managed to avoid dealing with truly loving my-self…… that is until I realised that my wardrobe is a reflection of me
I became aware through my session with Denise that I used to dress for the roles I played as a Mum, a daughter, employee and previously as a sex object. But now I so lovingly choose to dress in clothes that honour me and how I feel as a “Woman”.
I had never before felt the intimacy, beauty and joy there is in simply getting dressed for no other reason than “for me”. And the more I do it, the more I love it and now I am allowing myself to love and appreciate who I truly am each day.
Denise, words cannot express my appreciation for your loving support and guidance through my unfoldment and my wardrobe makeover. I now know that by continually choosing my love, dedication and commitment to myself, my ever unfolding relationship with my bedroom will continue to amaze me.
with love and appreciation,