A guest post by Kirsten
It wasn’t until Denise said the word war-drobe that I became aware that yes, for as long as I could remember I had always been at war with myself and my clothes. Never satisfied with what I had worn or with how I looked in whatever I chose to wear, and I had certainly never ever dressed just for me.
In my slimmer days my getting dressed was always to seek approval or acceptance to be seen and noticed, especially by the opposite sex. I dressed to show off my assets which in turn buried my pain and sadness. Then later on when I was very obese I dressed in baggy, unfeminine bright size 26 plus garments and wore an even bigger smile on my face and a bubbly personality all to hide the deepening pain and sadness. But truthfully neither worked as underneath it all I was drowning in my own sea of buried emotions.
My huge unfoldment all began with Denise asking me to take a couple of photos of my bedroom and walk-in robe.
It wasn’t until Denise said the word war-drobe that I became aware that yes, for as long as I could remember I had always been at war with myself and my clothes. Never satisfied with what I had worn or with how I looked in whatever I chose to wear, and I had certainly never ever dressed just for me.
In my slimmer days my getting dressed was always to seek approval or acceptance to be seen and noticed, especially by the opposite sex. I dressed to show off my assets which in turn buried my pain and sadness. Then later on when I was very obese I dressed in baggy, unfeminine bright size 26 plus garments and wore an even bigger smile on my face and a bubbly personality all to hide the deepening pain and sadness. But truthfully neither worked as underneath it all I was drowning in my own sea of buried emotions.
My huge unfoldment all began with Denise asking me to take a couple of photos of my bedroom and walk-in robe.
Mmmmmm, the taking of the photos was, I will admit somewhat challenging but Oh My! That was nothing compared with my having to actually STOP, LOOK & FEEL the photos.
It feels unbelievable how I had lived in and with a mess and easily turned a blind eye but once I looked at the photos reality hit and so did “responsibility” which made it all too real. Well, I just glanced at them and then promptly deleted them. A few days later after some re-assuring and gentle prompting by Denise I took some more photos and that time promptly forwarded them on to Denise without any judgement. When Denise phoned me she shared that she felt it was just a mess, a complication that I had created to not feel what was truly going on for me.
So based on that I was able to face the fear in letting go of what I was so afraid of last time with what came up. I was shocked to discover that there wasn’t anything behind the fear, I mean I had been caught up in an illusion set up, if you will, to constantly fail by self-sabotage. I had been continuing an ingrained behaviour that originated way back in a bid to bury my pain, hurt & emotions. You see previously I used excessive fitness, alcohol & cigarettes to bury it all but then I stopped all those and promptly turned to potato chips, chocolate & coca cola ending up at a weight of 165kgs whilst becoming messier, messier & messier.
I have since dealt with the emotional issues I had buried and am now re-learning a more loving way to live. The way I eat has changed as instead of eating emotionally, I now feel what to eat … well this I am still learning to navigate but I have let go of a lot of weight so far. I walk regularly, enjoy a good night’s sleep and I no longer abuse my body physically. But even with doing all that lovingly, I had still managed to avoid dealing with truly loving my-self…… that is until I realised that my wardrobe is a reflection of me
So based on that I was able to face the fear in letting go of what I was so afraid of last time with what came up. I was shocked to discover that there wasn’t anything behind the fear, I mean I had been caught up in an illusion set up, if you will, to constantly fail by self-sabotage. I had been continuing an ingrained behaviour that originated way back in a bid to bury my pain, hurt & emotions. You see previously I used excessive fitness, alcohol & cigarettes to bury it all but then I stopped all those and promptly turned to potato chips, chocolate & coca cola ending up at a weight of 165kgs whilst becoming messier, messier & messier.
I have since dealt with the emotional issues I had buried and am now re-learning a more loving way to live. The way I eat has changed as instead of eating emotionally, I now feel what to eat … well this I am still learning to navigate but I have let go of a lot of weight so far. I walk regularly, enjoy a good night’s sleep and I no longer abuse my body physically. But even with doing all that lovingly, I had still managed to avoid dealing with truly loving my-self…… that is until I realised that my wardrobe is a reflection of me
On going through the clothes in my wardrobe I was absolutely blown away by what I felt when trying on the clothes. In one top I felt so hard and masculine whilst the next I felt so fake and false, and how in a cheap pair of jeans I too felt as cheap. But then, there was the Leopard Skin Skirt, a black Blouse with a pair of boots that I felt so sexy and feminine in, now that blew me away, and how in a Red Jacket with Purple Flowered Scarf I was beaming with confidence and grace. As the time passed the piles began to grow (the keep, the sell, the donate and the throw out), and so did my self-appreciation and self-love. It was so amazing to feel and see the changes that were occurring in me during the process that was unfolding before my very own eyes.
With love now building within I feel so naturally impulsed to keep my bedroom and walk-in robe clean and tidy. How easy it now is to put the washing away, hang my clothes, to put my shoes away & to keep my room tidy. Everything has a home and that is where it goes. But the best of all is to now sleep in a bed that is not covered in washing that has not been put away, but rather now has been lovingly made each morning by me for me and oh how absolutely divine that feels to sleep in at night.
I became aware through my session with Denise that I used to dress for the roles I played as a Mum, a daughter, employee and previously as a sex object. But now I so lovingly choose to dress in clothes that honour me and how I feel as a “Woman”.
I had never before felt the intimacy, beauty and joy there is in simply getting dressed for no other reason than “for me”. And the more I do it, the more I love it and now I am allowing myself to love and appreciate who I truly am each day.
I became aware through my session with Denise that I used to dress for the roles I played as a Mum, a daughter, employee and previously as a sex object. But now I so lovingly choose to dress in clothes that honour me and how I feel as a “Woman”.
I had never before felt the intimacy, beauty and joy there is in simply getting dressed for no other reason than “for me”. And the more I do it, the more I love it and now I am allowing myself to love and appreciate who I truly am each day.
Denise, words cannot express my appreciation for your loving support and guidance through my unfoldment and my wardrobe makeover. I now know that by continually choosing my love, dedication and commitment to myself, my ever unfolding relationship with my bedroom will continue to amaze me.
Thank you Denise,
with love and appreciation,
Kirsten
with love and appreciation,
Kirsten
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